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Pacing
Pacing back and forth like a caged tiger
ice melting in the glass
cigarettes burn my throat
volume-filled silence will not pass
you pulled the rabbit out of the hat
it landed on my plate
took on more than I could chew
you watched as I ate
stretched humility to the bone
hungering for crumbs off your table
tried to let you know,
surrender, connection disable
will not 'look back in anger'
John Osborne's play of long ago
tale of pain-filled madness
does not move me so
enfin, I throw in the towel
nothing more between the lines
wall too high to climb
pacing back and forth, till feeding times
feedback van andere lezers- jan
it's a kind of magic!
grtz
killea: Thank you, Jan
xx
j - tessy
graag gelezen
killea: Thank you, Tessy
xxx
j - eisenik
als een leeuw in een kooi! (haha, willy sommers)
still for a native speaker I find your English so 'dutch' ot at least not very rich... still don't understand how that seems to confuse me.
as a poem it's very fragmented for me and I don't really like that in contemporary poetry... I've seen it too manny times in klassik works. first strofe pushed you to form, doesn't feel naturally there. second strofe is nice but the rhytme fails in the end. I specificly like the third one. wouldn't go explaining the quote in the fourth one if I was you. in the last one it's fragmented language again, loosing grip with natural rhytme and semantic connection between the verses.
overall it's an interesting, almost funny and nice text but as I look closer I see more could have beens that has been dones ;-)
cheers
eisenik
killea: Thank you so much for such qualified critique of my poem, will endeavour to do better in future.
cheers, Eisenik
xx
j - yellow
be carefull with the cigarettes
M.
xx
killea: Yes, Marc
xx
j
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