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Amanda's Diary
Amanda's diary
Here I am standing in front of Amanda's house. Still not sure what to do. Should I give her dairy back and tell her things will go just fine, or should I keep it and take her secrets to my grave? Whatever I do, it will hurt and effect her. If she finds out someone from school read it, she'll definitely never come back. But if she never gets her dairy back, she'll lose a part of herself and she'll keep on wondering who read it for the rest of her life.
It all started last week, Monday. I was searching for Amanda's face as I entered the bus. I saw her sitting somewhere in the middle, staring outside. She looked sad and lonely. But I couldn't just walk up to her and talk to her. She's the most beautiful and popular girl at our school. We sit on the same bus since I moved two months ago. She left the bus three stops before our school and when I left the bus I saw a book lying on the bench where she was sitting. So not suspecting anything, I put it in my bag. I kept feeling in my bag if it was still there. But I couldn't wait so I excused myself from class to go to the toilet; I took my bag with me. As I opened my bag and held the book I saw it wasn't just a book, it was her diary…
Ones I started reading I was captivated by her words. She seemed so shallow to me before, but I was totally wrong. As I was reading her thoughts, as I looked into her soul and got carried away by her pain I lost track of time. I flew through the pages as if it they were oxygen. "Claire? Are you ok?" Cassie's familiar voice whispered, she was my best friend for as long as I could remember. "Um, yeah. I'm fine, I'll be there in a minute." I held Amanda's dairy firmly as if it was mine and I sighed.
"Well if you don't mind Claire, I'd like to continue with sine and cosine." Misses Spellman said furiously. "I'm sorry, I wasn't feeling well." I said as I sat myself next to Cassie again. "Are you ok?" She asked. "Like I said, I'm fine." I answered. A couple minutes later I realized I was really unfriendly to Cassie, so I gave her a little note saying I was sorry and she gave me a friendly smile.
I looked all over the place, but I couldn't find Amanda. I could only find her almost equally beautiful and popular friends. I couldn't give her dairy to them; they'd kill her if they found out what she actually thinks about them.
I decided to keep her dairy safe until I saw Amanda, even though I had no idea of what I would tell her if I did see her.
That night I couldn't stop reading her dairy, even though I felt guilty, I was addicted to her words and her bittersweet pain, as she called it herself. I guess I fell in love with her simple yet so complicated feelings.
One week later I still hadn't found Amanda. She didn't come to school anymore and no one knew what was wrong. The rumors started going. As I got to the end of her dairy, I started to understand why she was so beautifully broken. The further I got, the more strange things I started to discover about Amanda's life, she was physically abused as I child and her friends didn't seem to care or even believe her. Her parents were never home and always moving around for their work. She was living the perfect lie…
She was definitely depressed.
People were telling all kinds of things about Amanda, they said she was pregnant and that she was having an abortion or that she went mad and that her parents put her into a mental institution. I really had to find out were she lived, I had to find out what was really going on, I owed her that after reading her dairy.
Lucas, a boy in my class was the younger brother of one of those popular kids. Lucas had a crush on me since we were in first grade. So I asked him to find out where Amanda's house was. Cassie and my other friends said I was obsessed about her, but I didn't care what they thought. Maybe I was obsessed, maybe not. But I had to see her, talk to her; I at least had to know if she was ok.
During class I got a note from Lucas with her address.
And well that brings me here, on Amanda's porch, wondering if I should stay or if I should go. I've been sitting here for over an hour. Doubting what the right thing to do is, reading the most captivating parts of her dairy again.
'Dear, dear diary, from now on you'll be my only real, true friend.
I'll tell you all my secrets, thoughts, "dreams", fears…
I'll treat you as a princess, my only way out of this mess.
When I cry of happiness or I cry of sadness, I'll turn too you.
I'll beg you to come to life and save me, even though I know you never will.
I'll cry for you to save me until someone or something else takes the pain away and kills the sadness. But until then you're my one and only ally.'
'Dear dairy,
I wish I could turn back the hands of time. I'm so caught up. Now that everything's going wrong and nothing's going right. I'm falling apart. No one can save me now, there's no way out. Except, if I find that special person, the one who'll be my salvation. But I don't believe in love anymore… after all I've been through and more…'
'It's as if one moment I feel on top of the world and the next I feel like shit. I need a savior, a saint, an angel… something real, something to hold onto…'
'Here I am, sitting in class, again. Bored as hell and watching my friends fighting about things that don't really matter (again). A waste of time and I don't even seem to bother anymore. It kind of breaks my heart to see my life passing me by so fast as I'm living my life in the fast lane.'
'I wish that for once I had a perfect day, with no troubles… But how can I be happy if I can barely survive?'
'I'm still broken deep inside and I still try to hide. I feel my heart aching and breaking. I have to many reasons but I don't really know why…'
'I'm starting to realize that everyone is determined to change, leave or turn their backs at me…'
'I'd do anything just to clear my mind, for time to unwind. One happy day is all I seek.'
'It's as if I die a little every day, every day is one step closer to the day, my dying day...'
'I hate and blame myself for being so unhappy… and that hurts.
I can't hide the pain inside.
I can't just run and hide.
I've been through it all.
So who's going to save me when I fall?'
'Bruises on my heart - My head all messed up - My eyes red of crying - My arms aching from the cuts - But some how, some day I'll be happy.'
'If there is anything like destiny or faith, I hope it isn't as hard on me as I am on myself.'
'I wish something would come crashing into my little world to save me…'
Just as I stand up to leave I hear the front door opening. I turn around and see Amanda standing in the doorway. In a men's shirt, boxer shorts and fuzzy pink slippers she forced a smile on her perfect face.
"I've been waiting for you." She says. I give her an astonished look.
"I hoped you would have found my diary... Please tell me you did." She says desperately and I nod. I take a deep breath and smile.
"Well, I'm here to come crashing into your little world to save you..." I tell her as I reach out my hand and she grabs it.
"Please, do come in. Desire some coffee?" She asks me as she closes the door behind us.
feedback van andere lezers- dichtduvel
Hey, reading this I had shivers running all over my spine. When I look at your age I'm sure you have a really bright future ahead of you! However : Once I started reading, rumours.
Greetz, Jef
broken_beauty: heej,
Thank you for your positive and nice feedback!
It means a lot to me.
I wonder what you mean whit 'However: One I started reading, rumours.
mvg, Nikki. - erinneke
As I read most books in english, I just needed to read your story. It is well written and really grasps your full attention from beginning to end. Welcome on the WH site. I hope to read more from you. Grts Katrien
broken_beauty: heej,
Thank you doir your feedback, it gives me a great feeling to know people like my story.
greetings, Nikki.
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